The Best Hometown(s) I Know

Speaking of childhood homes, Ang sent this to me the other day:

I used to love that "Hello Milwaukee" jingle from the mid-'80s -- reminds me of when I met John Malan at the boat show and he signed a Xeroxed picture of himself for me! -- until about a year after it came out, when I heard the same jingle with different lyrics; but instead of "...Hello Milwaukee! Channel 12 loves you!" it was "...Hello West Michigan! Channel 3 loves you!" (on WWMT -- "We're West Michigan Television!" -- out of Kalamazoo). And then I heard it again in both Atlanta and Chicago, which made me think, among other things, West Michigan? Really?

Apparently, the jingle may have had its origins in Canada.

Most recently, we heard it in San Diego on the Old Town Trolley Tour... which, incidentally, was narrated by the always current and relevant Rich Little.

The same woman appears to have sung all of the jingles. She must have made a fortune in residuals. She and Rich Little probably own an island in the Bahamas together.

Danny's in the Clear

I can't help loving Danny Bonaduce. Sure, he's flawed as hell, but damn if he isn't also consistently funny.

I became a fan of Bonaduce's in the '90s when he had a show on The Loop 97.9 in Chicago. That was also the peak of Kevin Matthews' career, and both his and Danny's shows stuck (although their time slots moved) even after The Loop moved over to the AM dial. As it happened, that was excellent news for me, since I could pull in AM 1000 all the way from Fucking Monroe, whereas previously I could only catch Kevin in syndication and Danny in carefully-timed trips through Chicago on my way to the cottage.

The glory days soon ended (I'll take a stab and assume it was somehow related to ClearChannel, but I have no evidence to back that up and it's too late to surf Wikipedia for the answer now), and Danny moved on. I discovered a while later that he was doing a morning show in L.A. -- Jamie & Danny on Star 98.7. I streamed that show at work some mornings, and after I started work in Madison and had the opportunity to fly out to Pasadena I actually woke up to him on my hotel room clock radio. That brought me back. It was pretty surreal.

He had a daytime talk show for a while somewhere in there -- I think it was filmed in Chicago, so it was probably before his tenure at The Loop came to an end (Lisa can confirm, as I believe she and her sister attended at least one taping) -- and then there was "The Other Half," which was contrived, but -- again -- consistently enjoyable.

"Breaking Bonaduce" was the first exposure a lot of people had to Danny since "The Partridge Family" and, in it, he played a character. He's always playing some character. Anyway, due to the way the producers chose to focus the "story" as they filmed (originally, the show was going to just be called "Being Danny" but the cranberry-and-vodka slamming and the subsequent stint in rehab was way better TV, so the rest of his life made it only as far as the cutting room floor), there was quite an adverse reaction to his existence. We true fans have stayed true, though, and when I first saw the video from the Really Awards on Jimmy Kimmel's show, I was A) laughing my ass off and B) absolutely positive that i) charges would be filed and ii) Danny would be exonerated.

And so it has come to pass. If the earth-shattering news (well, it certainly shattered Danny's world) of his divorce from Gretchen brought listeners to Adam Carolla's show in droves, I can imagine this will have about the same effect. And if you know Danny, you know that he is therefore thrilled to have done his job. It's all about whoring himself out wherever he can so he can mention 97.1 FREE FM and the Adam Carolla Show. We're listening, Danny, and we love you!

I'll Pay How I Want, TYVM

Mastercard amuses me -- or used to, anyway. Visa pisses me off. Mastercard's whole "priceless" campaign has been fairly consistently clever. Well, lately, the Peyton Manning ads have grown tiresome. [Peyton Manning ads in general have grown tiresome. Are there products he doesn't endorse?] But they've had some of the more memorable -- and therefore effective -- commercials. Some are poignant, but most are humorous. The concept has been parodied on billboards, in sports stadiums, and even on the internet for years. Well done.

Then there's Visa's most recent slew of ads, in which they show a shiny, happy place of business where everything runs smoothly until some asshole comes along and has the nerve to pay with cash. Everyone in the place looks at him with a combination of scorn and horror. How dare he, right?

How fucking patronizing!

Hey, Visa? Bite me. If someone wants to pay with cash, don't make them look like an idiot. They're probably doing it because they recognize the value of a dollar and understand the concept that owing a credit card company money is a losing proposition. Yes, your commercials are for your debit cards, which aren't nearly as evil as credit cards are, but people watching the ads aren't focusing on that distinction.

I want someone to make a commercial like that in which everyone's in the 15-items-or-less line paying for their last-minute football-game-watching snacks with cash, looking at their watches and doing the hurry-up-dance. Then some prick yanks out his Visa to pay for a Zagnut and a Red Bull. Cut to the cashier rolling her eyes as she swipes the card and waits for the approval to come through and the dual receipt to print. As he waits for her to hand him the pen with the plastic pinwheel taped to it so he can sign the merchant's copy, the fans beat the living shit out of him. Death takes Visa.

Incidentally, not to piss on New Orleans' grave, but Visa's most recent ad that follows this concept is a double-failure, as the Saints now sit at 0-3 after making it all the way to the NFC Championship game last year. Last year was all about spirit. This year, it's kind of amazing how little they've been able to accomplish by contrast.

What's the Deal with Dead Guys in Big Glasses?

I can't believe I didn't find out for almost an entire week that Charles Nelson Reilly died. I love watching old "Match Game" episodes on GSN. That kind of let's-all-just-use-this-as-an-excuse-to-get-liquored-up-and-make-poorly-veiled-sex-jokes game show just doesn't exist any more, and that makes me sad. Even when they tried to bring back "Match Game" in the '90s it sucked. It was too transparent in its attempts to modernize. It came across as blatant shoehorning, with disastrous results. (Sally "doyouwannamakemoremoney?" Struthers, I'm looking at you.) Now game shows are all either too formulaic -- some competition with three judges; one flippant British guy, one woman, and one Hollywoodian everyman -- or too much like reality shows.

Don't get me wrong. I'm watching just about all of them. I'm just saying.

I mean, it wasn't bad enough that Penn Jillette's radio show got yanked... they had to take away his "Identity," too?! Sheesh. Can't a Libertarian Atheist catch a break?!?

What was I saying?

Oh, yeah. That Paula Abdul is one crazy drunk. Or was that The Hoff?

It Was a Good Run

I think it's safe to say that few who know me would nominate me for Parent of the Year.

Last week marked the last time that "The Simpsons" will be on at our house while the kids are awake... at least until they're in, oh, maybe middle school. It's too bad, too, because it was always a fun 'Daddy activity' with the kids -- when Mommy had a Pampered Chef show and had to be out of the house by 6pm on a weekday, channel 47 went on and we got to watch an hour's worth together. (Otherwise, it's "Mommy's news.") Before AJ was born, we used to watch it every night. Brett used to come running from whatever part of the house he was in as soon as he heard that angelic music at the head of the show's opening, yelling, "Simpsons on!" After Lexie saw that once or twice, of course, she was appropriately aping him, so that's always been a fun time of night.

I always knew that the time would come when Brett would become a bit too impressionable to continue that tradition, but I assumed it would end because he would speak or behave badly in public -- perhaps suggest to an authority figure that (s)he should eat his shorts -- like Bart. In reality, what happened was a bit worse and more guilt-inducing. During an episode from season 16 -- "Mobile Homer" (#GABF07) [LEARN] [WATCH] -- Homer repeatedly gets injured. I noticed that Brett wasn't laughing too much during those scenes, so I made an extra effort to laugh myself and to not-so-subtly remind both of the kids that it was all just pretend.

Cut to 4:30am that night, when I hear Brett calling for "Daddy!" from his bedroom. He had a nightmare about my getting caught under our garage door and spiders crawling out of my mouth. Nice job, huh?